My 3 year old son sleeps in my bed.  In between my husband and me.   I dream about passing out in a Mexican border town & having a kidney cut out of me because he kicks me in the back all night.  He still sleeps with us because we are too lazy to get him in his own room.   Fits + sleepless nights= path of least resistance.

Obviously, the lady who got her nipple pierced with a 3 year old is suffering from the same ailments.

I’m too busy to care about the whole breastfeeding debate that will arise, just as it does every 2-3 years,  out of this Time Magazine cover.

I’m too busy because I write obituaries now.  Did you know that?

After a long fight, the news industry lost a valued member today. Time magazine lost to it’s battle with declining readership & subscriptions.  Some say the ‘reality showing of America’ & make-you-look circus tent-esque tv programming were the final blow to make Time run a cry-for-help shock jock cover of a 3 year old boy nursing his mother’s exposed breast.  There will be a tribute to the dear, departed publication on this week’s Meet The Press, which is guest hosted by Kim Kardashian. Rest in Peace, Journalism.

Jill

Jerry walked by me today.   As you can imagine, with  four kids, a travel day, launching 2 small businesses, a day job, Will & Grace reruns to quote, the conversation goes where it naturally does….Nutella.

“Who invented Nutella?”- Jerry to me while re-heating tortilla soup.

“I will know this in 40 seconds.”– Pointing to computer, further justifying my life on the internet.

Discloser: I’ve known about Nutella for about 6 months. Sure, I’d heard of it. But,  I thought it was like Vegimite.  A regionality that sucked but people kept eating it. Like Little Rock does to Velveeta.

I didn’t know it was made of Jesus’s tears and Willy Wonka’s jazz hands.

Plus, it’s a health food!!!!!!!

Then, I researched it.

“Manufactured by the Italian company Ferrero,  Nutella was introduced on the market in 1963. The recipe was developed from an earlier Ferrero spread released in 1944.

History

Pietro Ferrero, who owned a patisserie in Alba, in the Langhe district of Piedmont, (FANCY!!!! Like a Sarah Dunant book!)  an area known for the production of hazelnuts (Oh, dang!  Nuts= protein= protein equals I ROCK) .  This was originally a solid block, but in 1949, Pietro started to sell a creamy version in 1951 as “Supercrema” (Good Marketing Pietro!!! ) .  The first jar of Nutella left the Ferrero factory in Alba on 20 April 1964. (I’m European! I’m healthy! I’m grabbing another tablespoon).  About half of the calories in Nutella come from fat (11 g in a 37 g serving, or 99 kcal out of 200 kcal) and about 40% of the calories come from sugar (20 g, 80 kcal)….. ”

Jill

I can’t remember the metric system.  It’s still healthy, right?

Totally really….   healthy… snack…   with… a great story…  and name…

Like Pringles!!!!

You don’t know of the famed German Count Pringle?     

Girl,  WHO are your  parents???

You just roll out of bed, throw on yellow socks and tennis shoes, mismatched playclothes and set off to walk around with your rabid monkey who happens to be wearing cranberry colored Uggs.  First off, FOOTWEAR:   Aren’t you in a tropical climate?  The foliage would lead me to believe so.  Sandals would be the brighter choice.  Aren’t Boots’ feet sweaty?     (Do monkey’s HAVE feet or paws?) Let’s return to that in a minute.

Dora, hun,  you have your own tv show, spin-offs, products and licensing agreements. It’s time to upgrade the posse.  Boots, while smart and plenty friendly,  should now be replaced with the signature gay stylist, uber-organized Personal Assistant & manic best friend.  I’m not sure who that cow is but if you’re getting no Kobe beef from it, I’d say cut ties. And Swiper needs a restraining order.  Sing it — “Do, Do, Do, Do, Do Orden De Restriccion!!!”

Let’s talk assesories: A watch? You have no job, don’t go to school, wander around the countryside all day singing in Spanglish, avoiding a bridge troll & a fox that takes your stuff for sport.  Surely, you don’t need to stay on schedule for all that.  A Map.  Oh sure. I’m supposed to believe some shriveled up scrap paper  produced from an outdated knapsack that makes my own crappy purse look like an Hermes Birkin bag,  is going to save the day.

If you sell that monkey friend of yours to the Bronx Zoo (where, btw, the cranberry Uggs will be more climate-appropriate),  you’ll be able to afford a Garmin and a new agent that can re-package your brand to a hipper media space.

Jill

I’m thinking Housewives….

(if he ever asks…)

In the meantime, I’ll knock off his stuff.

If it looks like you are having a yard sale and you are not…. YOU MIGHT BE A NOTSOSOCCERMOM.

*If you have ever driven carpool with no makeup on…(in your robe— with curlers in your hair.), YOU MIGHT BE A NOTSOSOCCERMOM.

* If you find this acceptable playclothes for your toddler ,                                                                                                           YOU MIGHT BE A NOTSOSOCCERMOM.

If you use your time wisely and and are always serious,                                                                                                   YOU MIGHT BE A NOTSOSOCCERMOM.

If  you find this hilarious enough to whip our your phone in the grocery store to take a picture,

YOU MIGHT BE A NOTSOSOCCERMOM.

If you have been working on your birthday list for months (and you are not 10 years old),   

YOU MIGHT BE A NOTSOSOCCERMOM.

Jill

Tune in to the Beaut Camp radio show on NotSoSoccerMomRadio.com network Monday’s at 1pmEST.

The show airs ALL day each hour on the hour. Also, episodes are avail on Itunes now. Search: NotSoSoccerMomRadio –> Beaut Camp Show