Don’t ask a stranger to guess your age unless you want to be offended. Unless they are one of those annoying foreign kids in the mall that they ship in to work the Dead Sea Skincare or Straightening Iron kiosk. These people will guess you young… then you’ll have to buy their rancid skincare or straightening iron.

Do realize that 99.9% of people out there, (you fabulous NotSoSoccerMom readers not included), are quite tragic.  This will help you to have lower expectations, be more friendly and patient and maybe you can set a good example by having your hair combed or wearing a semi-matching outfit or using words with more than two syllables.

Don’t come near me before 9am unless you are carrying a BK Mocha Joe or Starbucks.  

Don’t fool yourself. Once your child reaches 10, the only time they will turn up in the same room with you is when you are on the phone discussing either Juicy Gossip, Life or Death Scenarios or Money Situations. When it is time for Chores, Bath’s, Homework or Dinner, NO ONE is home but you.  

Do tell your friends and family about NotSoSoccerMom’s site so that all the top .01% of humanity can get together in cyberspace to solve the world’s problems.  My immediate ideas to ‘solve the world’s problems’ consist of doing away with pennies, issuing Citizens Arrests to people who tailgate or still have those Calvin Peeing window stickers and finding out what troll climbs in the dryer and steals people’s other sock.  Beyond that, I’m gonna need your help….

Jill

Sad Wasted Joke: Today we walked in from running errands (shopping) & the front door is wide open. Kids are somewhat alarmed. I think nothing of it. No big deal of course. Probably the wind. Immediately the phone rings. Not missing a beat (comedic timing is everything), I say, “The call is coming from inside the house.”  Crickets.  Dang little kids didn’t get it…. Argh.