I formed a rather fabulous  three-cliched sentence on the phone with Gigi this morning… without even trying. Cliches, as it were, are neither here nor there, but at the end of the day, have nothing to do with the price of tea in China.

Thus, in addition to fretting over global warming, Patrick’s cold and/or allergies, working the Cinco De Mayo countdown, preparing Tuesday’s radio show , wondering WHERE Maggie’s report card is and tracking my QVC package, Cliches have been on my brain ALL DAY.

Sure, I could research some of them.  Seems to me like a lot come from The Farmer Era: “he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn”, “even a blind pig gets an acorn”, “till the cows come home”, “get your ducks in a row”, etc etc.

But instead of RESEARCH them, like any monkey with a Mac, too much time on their hands and the steadfast drive to NOT do the dishes could, I will grandly give some age-old Cliches a 2000’s facelift:

“he is a pillar of society”===== “He’s never been in Congress.”

“At the end of the day.” ====== “When the syndicated reruns are over and the infomercials start.”

“It’s not rocket science.” ========= “It’s not reading the WHOLE healthcare bill.”

“Back to the drawing board.”  ======= “Back to a blank new Word document.”

“It’s like finding a needle in a haystack” ====== “It’s like finding a teen without a cell phone”

“from soup to nuts”  ========== “from over-priced appetizer to fattening dessert”

“crying over spilled milk” ====== “crying over spilled triple grande ice white chocolate no-whip white mocha”

“all in a day’s work”  ===== “all in a day’s severance from being bought-out after restructuring & downsizing”

“bring home the bacon”====== “bring home the tofurkey”

“ambulance chaser” ===== “former Vice-Presidential nominee”

Jill

Fox News Reporter Dressed in Short Solid-Colored Cocktail Dress with Perfectly Coiffed Blonde Hair & Tasteful Jewelry: “We’re here live in Phoenix hoping to catch an interview with NotSoSoccerMom Jill. She is here to protest the protest of the some new law which protests something.”

NotSoSoccerMom Jill: “My title is Community Organizer now, Toots, and what do you mean law? I thought this was Gin Blossoms Reunion Tour tickets line? Crud. Oh well, I love a good protest! What are we protesting?  Is Al Sharpton here? I thought I saw him on my flight in. HE loves a good protest! Oh, hey Al.”  (NSSM Waves and blows air kisses.)

Fox News Babe: “You just blew an air kiss to Don King.”

NSSM Jill:   “So, let me get this straight: this Immigration Law is a law that states that law officials cannot NOT follow the law anymore?   But what’s getting people mad is that there is verbiage IN the law that states that law enforcement officials can demand to see ID from anyone who ‘looks suspicious’?  (mutters to self:  ” ‘Looks suspicious’  Don’t I know it.  Check the mirror when Daddy walks in during a QVC order session….”)

Fox News Babe:  (sotto voce to CameraMan) “Is there spinach in my teeth?”

NSSM Jill: “Well, I can take it from here.  This is about Profiling and it’s not acceptable.  Just because someone is blonde, doesn’t make her a ditz. (looks over at Fox News Babe who is sill staring in mirror)– MOST of the time.   And just because I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks or brushed my hair or put on deodorant, doesn’t make me German.  If someone has pasty white skin, freckles and is en route to the bar—at 10am on a Wednesday, IS he immediately  IRISH?   My oldest daughter is unreasonable, moody, rolls her eyes and calls everyone a ‘dork’. Does this make her a teenager? Of course not. She’s 12.5!”

Jill

I actually just read the whole law Arizona Immigration Law which is causing this scuffle.

The first thing the new law does is require ‘that all state and local agencies and personnel refrain from not enforcing EXISTING federal laws.’

True story.

Based on my passion for politics & drama, my penchant for wordiness & my attraction to the power and grace of some good doublespeak, I’d say the “Jill in ‘12″ Campaign is picking up speed!

I thought "Tailgate Me & I Will Cut You" was a little violent

Jill

Sam Singh is a politician and world-adventurer. Much of his 18 month World Tour was for charities like Habitat for Humanity.

Carol Wior is a swimsuit designer who started with $77 in her garage. She now has patented the ‘Slimsuit’.

LISTEN to the NOTSOSOCCERMOM hour on Toginet.com at 1pm EASTERN time OR

enjoy the podcast at www.Toginet.com/shows/notsosoccermom

or on ITunes: search ‘NotSoSoccerMom’

I was getting a bit dismayed. No political fights to be had today on Facebook (I oddly agreed with two of my usual sparring buddies). The baby asleep. Not enough energy to sit and pine over the horror (large fake gasp) of how Jimmy Clausen is dealing with NOT being chosen in the first round of the draft. Don’t cry for him, Argentina. I still think he’ll do okay in this life.

So, not much going down… till I found this article (Thanks, Fbook friend Sloane.)

Excerpt:

Jillian Michaels, Personal Trainer and The Biggest Loser star, 36, tells Women’s Health she is unwilling to become pregnant because of the way it would change her body.”I’m going to adopt. I can’t handle doing that to my body,” she told the magazine. “Also, when you rescue something, it’s like rescuing a part of yourself.”

Full article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/22/jillian-michaels-i-wont-r_n_548256.html/

Dear Idiot, as a Personal Trainer, I would hope that you of all people would realize that with good safe, prenatal workouts ‘losing your body’ during the course of pregnancy is not necessarily the case.  What’s more: After the baby arrives, regaining one’s figure is a fun challenge. I thought you were tough.  You want to take the easy way out and not have to fight back?  You just became silly and inconsequential and lost A LOT of credibility with mothers, who, I’m just guessing here, are probably your target demographic.  I hope you never have the honor of temporary side fat after the feat of birthing a live human the size of  small watermelon through a whole the size of a grape.   I’ve done your workouts and I’ve done the former four times and your workouts are easy by comparison.  I earned my sweet loving kids and my Size Small-esque jeans through hard work. You’re a fraud and a chicken.

Jill