Did you wake up today and feel less than svelte?  I’m here to help! 

As a Certified Personal Trainer (yes- that’s true), I would like to point out….

The Top Five (Hidden) Workouts for the Holidays

5.) Wrapping Presents  Burns over 400 calories.  HOW? Because it requires running from downstairs to upstairs and hunting under the kids’ beds to locate the Scotch Tape they made off with while trying to “tape our room shut so Sammy doesn’t touch our New Moon poster.”‘

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Mad Libs

I totally go out _________________ on Black Friday because I really needed to __________________.

I would never __________________ on Black Friday. I would rather ______________________________. 

I am definitely planning on having lots more of these birthday things!  Apparently I turned something called ”One” yesterday. I had no idea.  

My Gigi and Papa came from Nebraska to visit.  I did not have to nap.  My mom kept smooching me all day.   And,  (I really cannot believe this part), there were BALLOONS!  

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I am going to sell a Parenting Kit for new parents. 

NOT because I think that I’ve necessarily solved this whole parenting gig, but because if someone at Bed Bath and Beyond can sell Jerry the teeniest little personalized egg frying pan which is the circumference of a donut and features a smiling EggPerson on the handle, there is obviously a market for EVERYTHING.    

Parenting Starter Kit Retails for &69.99 & Includes:  

*High Places. You need to have several High Places in your home to hide and put away stuff.  High Places are perfect for Halloween Candy, cupcakes, cell phones, cameras, anything breakable, books, keys, lipsticks, bronzers and beauty aids. Really anything you don’t want lost, broken or consumed.      

 *Shoes  Starter kit also comes with some comfy Crocs. Parents must wear Shoes around the house at all times.  Otherwise you risk spraining an ankle tripping over Non Put Away Kids Shoes (are there even OTHER KINDS?) or having a purple Polly Pocket purse forever lodged between your big and middle toes.    

*Chicken Nuggets, Mac and Cheese, PB & J, Frozen Pizza, Fruit Snacks, Rice Krispie Treats,   and 5000 Juice Boxes.  This and several thousand trips to McDonalds should hold off your kid till he/she is 10.    

*Wooden Spoon for Brandishing  A Great Southern momma/ granny trick. Walk around as if you mean to use it.  If brandished with the correct flourish, you should never have to actually touch the child.  To use properly: Hold spoon in right hand and thump loudly in front of child against left palm while making a serious, “Pick up your shoes right now or I might have to USE this” look.    

*Perfect use of the Phrases “No,” “We’ll See” and “Maybe“  “No” means “The answer is NO.”   “No” usually is followed with a 14 minute litigation from the child including famous follow up’s “Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”, “Everyone Else Is” and “That’s Not Fair”.   “We’ll See” means  “No.  But I don’t feel like hearing the 14 minute follow-up whining.”   “Maybe” means  “Not today, but I actually might think about it. Tomorrow it could turn into a “Yes” or a “We’ll See”.    

*Earplugs.  These will come in handy if you end up with a child who can hit the really high notes during the “That’s Not Fair” chorus.  We call this the Allie Grace Range.            

Jill

Who has gotta go find her earplugs before Allie Grace finds out I didn’t get her the new dance shoes today.

And what’s the best way to celebrate “the Holidays”?  Of course!  That beloved and anxiously-awaited event called…… MultiCultural Day!? What the?

No Lie. I am staring at a sign-up sheet for MultiCultural Day at my 5th grader’s school. 

So, for fun, I rewrote it.  Now, it’s even more P.C.

Attention Legal Guardians

Mohawk Avenue School is having Multicultural Day on Friday December 18^th from 1:35-2pm

Please send in a food and/or décor item that does not indicate any specific religious or ethnic tradition or reflect any sort of fun or merriment  

Please do not send items that have nuts, glutens, parabens, are non-organic, have sugar listed anywhere in the contents or are non-Kosher or non-Vegan. As a matter of fact, please just send your child with a cup of water and a box of non-branded raisins

 We’ll celebrate with non-specific songs about nothing!!! And play some non-gender-oriented games having to do with not-much where there will be no winners. Let’s not even call them ‘games’. Let’s call them “Time Consuming Activities”

Our hope is that your child has 25 minutes of an average time! 

 Disclaimer: Multicultural Day does coincide with 3 other Holidays (2 of religious origin), however Mohawk Avenue School reminds you MultiCultural Day is not our attempt to promote or supplant those Holidays or give them any attention whatsoever

  Thank you, Legal Guardians, for making this It’s Not a Party a reality

We’ll see your child in January after Two Major Religious Holidays Should You Chose to Celebrate Them and If Not, That’s Okay Too Break

Jill-

Trying to shove their fancy new Holiday down my throat?! Jeesh!

Zealots.