Don’t ask a stranger to guess your age unless you want to be offended. Unless they are one of those annoying foreign kids in the mall that they ship in to work the Dead Sea Skincare or Straightening Iron kiosk. These people will guess you young… then you’ll have to buy their rancid skincare or straightening iron.

Do realize that 99.9% of people out there, (you fabulous NotSoSoccerMom readers not included), are quite tragic.  This will help you to have lower expectations, be more friendly and patient and maybe you can set a good example by having your hair combed or wearing a semi-matching outfit or using words with more than two syllables.

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Driving in car just now….

Me: “This is “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen, girls. We used to rollerskate our hearts outs to this.”

Sassy 11 Yr. Old- incredulous: “YOUUUU know how to rollerskate?”

Me-indignant: “Yes, and for your information, I was quite good at it. I could backwards skate and everything.”

Sassy: “YOU??? I just don’t see it.”

Me: “And I had my own skates! They were white with royal blue sparkly shoelaces. We used to go to the Hot Dog Skate from 1-4 each Saturday at Skateland.  Sometimes people would even win a Panda Party.”

Sassy: “WHAT is a Panda Party?”

Me: “It was so cool. You could win this big stuffed panda and…”

Sassy:  Resumes staring out window with droll smile on face.

Jill

I’m thinking a more efficient way to impress today’s Tween crowd is to discuss IPhone apps……

* I think “that’s not that bad” when dinner for 5 is $76  (and 2 of my girls shared a meal and I didn’t eat…)  

* I think I have Lyme’s disease.

* I told my brother-in-law the other day, “It was not that bad of a winter”… and our first snow was before Halloween and the last one was after Easter.

* Driving 1.5 hours to the airport is not a tragedy.  

* I know a good bagel from a bad bagel.  

* I think that 8am is too early for school and 9pm is a perfect time for dinner.  

* I can drive into NYC, complete with honking, parrallel parking & trying not to block the box. I ‘block the box’ a bit still, because that is a Nebraska thing. 

* I end all my sentences in “Right?”, get the Jersey ”What exit?” joke and have resigned to the fact that I will have to eat Italian 80% of the time.           

Jill

I’m not totally giving up yet. I still long for the day when I can compare squash casserole recipes with the neighbors & sweat outside in March…..

“Good morning, children! I am Mommy but when we are in class you can call me ‘Professor Jill’.  Let’s go over this year’s syllabus… right after Regis and Kelly is over.” Read the rest of this entry »

That means “get off your arse” in Latin. You should… really. Because one day you will have a House of Kebabs moment.

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